some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
