Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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