So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
