I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
