i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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