you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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