You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
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Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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