I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
