I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
