Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Every concussion has its silver lining
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
