I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
