i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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