On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
