I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
