My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
