she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
do nipples grow back?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
