My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
