i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
