i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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