a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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