good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
