I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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