The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
