i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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