You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
