im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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