I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
