Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
