Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
