I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
