Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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