I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
