Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
