from now on my penis is your penis
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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