We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
