Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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