Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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