is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
