His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
