I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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