You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
