it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
