I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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