Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
