Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
