my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
