Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
