2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
youre lurking in front of me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
