I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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