Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
