Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
