if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
barbara walters just said penis...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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