i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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