when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
zippers are such a cool invention
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
