Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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